This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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