My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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