matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
