my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Still dying that you shit outside
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
