A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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