the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
