Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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