I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
