Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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