Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you never un-have a 4some
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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