If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They have beer where we have blood.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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