my vag is so smooth its legendary
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
