Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
