She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
