Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
