i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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