The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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