Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
