You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
