dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
