My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
