Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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