You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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