seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
