so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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