where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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