Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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