He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
