loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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