I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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