Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
