"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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