I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
