I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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