she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
