We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
