We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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