shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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