so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
