It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We need to get me chipped asap
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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