Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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