Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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