New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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