I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
