I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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