I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
