Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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