Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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