By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
