I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
