hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
